.

From my observations of working with people, it seems that nobody really understands trust.

What does it mean to trust?

Most people leave reality and go to fantasy land (where everything is perfect) when they think of trust.  Instead of dealing with what is so, they pretend that things are the way they want them to be.

Let me give you an example from my own life.  Many years ago my wife and I bought a fixer-upper house that we were going to fix up and then sell.

Our contractor, Steve, repeatedly over promised and under delivered, lied to us and did poor quality work.

Instead of dealing with reality and firing him, I went to trust fantasy land.  This is a place where Steve really was a good guy, he would come around and treat us right, he would start doing what he said, he would get the job done well, on time and on budget.

Of course, none of this happened. Steve continued to be who he had shown himself to be.  I continued to have headaches, frustration and stress over this project.  And, instead of making money on this venture we lost money.

I see this all the time.  Instead of dealing with reality people go to trust fantasy land.  The consequences of going to trust fantasy land are usually painful.

So then, What does it mean to trust?

There’s an old Chinese proverb:  Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

This saying captures what it really means to trust.

Trusting means paying attention and observing what is there.  People are creatures of patterns, programs and habits.  They will show you who they are and what they do over and over.

Genuine trust is trusting that person to be true to their habits and patterns, to expect them to repeat what they have already done.  Then processing this and asking yourself, "Does this work for me?"

If I had done this with Steve, I would have realized that he was going to continue to break his word, over promise and do poor quality work.  Then if I had asked myself if this works for me, the answer would have been "OF COURSE NOT!" and I would have fired him.

(Boy I wish I could have a do-over on that project!)

This is also true for self-trust.  We should expect ourselves, we should trust ourselves, to be true to our own patterns, programming and habits.

If you procrastinated today, you should trust yourself to procrastinate tomorrow.  Then instead of beating yourself up because you are a "bad person who procrastinates", you end up just dealing with reality - "Oh, I’m being true to my patterns and am procrastinating again."

Ironically, dealing with what is makes it easier to change because it removes pressure.

Life gets easier when we deal with reality, when we deal with what is, and then make decisions based on that.  Trust others and yourself to be true to patterns, programs and habits and your life will get easier.

.

Trust . . . What Does It Really Mean

Trust is a concept that seems to create quite a bit of confusion.

I often see this with my clients.  They have non-conscious programming that it is not okay to trust others, that it is not safe to trust others, or that they are not able to trust others.

This non-conscious programming gets in their way because -  All good things come to us from others!  If you cannot trust others, you make it much more difficult for that "good" to come into your life.

The issue is that people don’t understand what trust means.  You can trust and also take care of yourself at the same time.

Trust is not some sort of eyes closed, blind faith, Pollyanna sort of thing.  "I trust that he or she is inherently good and will treat me right."

Real trust requires that you be awake and observant and that you see who people are and what they do.  Trust then is trusting them to be true to themselves, to be true to their patterns.

There’s an old Chinese proverb that speaks to this:  Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice shame on me.

We are creatures of habit and pattern.  We do the same things over and over and over.  Once someone shows you what he or she does, you should expect them to (you should trust them to) do that again.  Whether it is something positive or negative, something you like or dislike, they will do it again.

If we have a meeting and I am 10 minutes late you should not be surprised if I am late for our next meeting.  If I’m late for the second meeting you definitely should not be surprised that I am late for the third meeting.  I have showed you my pattern and you should trust me to be true to that pattern.

Trust needs to then be balanced with acting in your own best interest and with your own boundaries.  You can trust me to be late to meetings but if that does not work for you then you should not be doing business with me.

Many years ago we bought a house to fix and flip.  Our contractor showed us his patterns repeatedly.  He over promised, under delivered, and his word met nothing.

Unfortunately for our bank account, I was in eyes closed, not dealing with reality, Pollyanna trust.  I kept thinking - he’s a good guy; he will take care of us because that is what I would do.  I was not dealing with reality.  If I was I would have fired him and got someone in who would have got the job done right.

He had repeatedly shown us who he is and what he’s going to do and instead of trusting him to continue to be who he is, I was off in fantasy land.  There was a huge cost to this - financially, peace of mind, stress and frustration.

Real trust then has you have your eyes wide open - dealing with what is really there - and then taking the appropriate steps to act in your own best interest.